Teaching Your Kids Family Values

[Updated 11/23/08]

Family values describe the principles members of a family practice and live by. Values vary in each family, depending on its cultural roots and background. As young members arrive and grow in a family, their concept formation and behaviors are naturally influenced by their parents as well as one's family values. Even so, it is necessary to constantly remind your young children of the principles and the values you believe in. How would you do that? I'll share with you some of the mechanisms my wife and I used and still use in raising our two kids, now at 11 and 14.

#1 Spending time alone with each of your kids
Many kids do not care about what their parents tell them to do or not to do. They have totally different thoughts - something their parents do not understand, either. I have found that communication with kids is perhaps the basic foundation of parenting and that communication must be conducted at personal level. I have personally spent lot of my time with each of my kids privately. We talk about all kinds of things from what they did at school that day to why the world has become "flat." I also take opportunities to discuss articles I find interesting in the newspaper or magazines. The more time you spend with your kid(s), the stronger bond you will have with him or her. To me, this is the most important practice, that I want to show my love of my children through connection and understanding.

#2 Set clear expectations
It is very common that new students make more mistakes or violate more rules in class. It is not because they are not as good as the other students who have been around, but because they do not know the expectations of their teacher. That is why experienced teachers spend the first day of school telling their students about the effort and behavior expected in class. In elementary schools, the most common way the teacher does this to write down the class rules and maintain a behavior chart for tracking purposes. In my family, all four of us have agreed on a set of rules that we would like every family member to follow. We call these rules our "Family Laws" that reflect our family values. In making our family laws, we discuss and explain to our kids the concerns as well as reasons. The rules will be more effective if we have buy in from our kids. While practicing our family laws, we maintain a chart on our refrigerator that shows the accumulated points rewarded by following the rules. Of course, there are penalties stated in our laws when the rules are broken. We also review our rules every quarter to address the needs.

#3 Reward points or celebrations instead of cash
Many kids do not have a good understanding of money. Needless to say, they do not know how to manage it. My wife and I prefer not to give our kids money, until they have a better grasp on the concept. We taught them the concepts of liabilities vs. assets and saving vs. spending. We discussed why Americans are perceived as reckless spenders with a personal savings rate of 0.7% of their income (as of October 2008 in contrast to 25% in China.) That is why we choose points over cash for rewarding good behaviors or accomplishments. (It is the opposite of the rewards that you expect from your credit cards, though.) We also celebrate almost every week about anything, such as, being a good helper, being a good citizen according to our family laws, or getting a complimentary comment from the teacher. We prefer to recognize a good effort they make, even if it is tiny, rather than having a huge birthday party.

#4 Be a good role model
Our family laws are for all members in our family, not only for the kids. Parents earn respect from their kids by following and not violating the same rules. Kids not only inherit genes from their parents, but also mimic their behaviors. If you do not want your kids to smoke, quit smoking yourself.

#5 Play by rules not emotions
One purpose of our family laws is to teach our kids to handle things by law, not by emotion. Many parents get upset by nature, when their kids make a mistake or conduct bad behaviors. The problem with that is sometimes kids get too many penalties or too little depending on how upset their parents are at the time. That is both unfair and confusing to the kids. That is not the way our society works, either. Both prosecutors and judges must abide by the law regardless of their personal feelings towards the defendant or the case being handled.

#6 Start early
It is much easier to correct a behavior before it becomes a habit. Whatever principles you want to follow in teaching your kids, it is always more effective to start earlier than later. All of the ideas I have discussed in this post can be practiced in many different ways according to the maturity of your kids. Even though babies are not able to speak, you will be surprised that they do sense or feel differences from various responses of their parents.

Summary
There is no end when it comes to educating our kids. There is always room to learn more and improve. I hope you found these ideas useful. Before you try any of them, keep in mind that every kid is unique. You may have to apply the ideas to accommodate uniqueness of your kids. Lastly, do not forget your love with your kids is the foundation of all these ideas.

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